Wrestling.

“For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.” — Psalm 139:4

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You know all our hopes
Lord, You know all our fears
And words cannot express the love we feel
But we long for You to hear…

If words could fall like rain
From these lips of mine
And if I had a thousand years
I would still run out of time

So if You listen to my heart
Every beat will say
Thank you for the Life
Thank you for the Truth
Thank you for the Way…”

When you asked for my thoughts, I realized how little I know of the world.
Who is fit to judge but One.
Who sees the true intent behind actions?
Who can judge true intent but the One who sees our hearts?

Presenting this one, too, Lord.
And if there is no answer on this side of eternity…
If I never receive an answer from You…
Let me rest in silence and not speak without Your truth.

Let me have that “peace, be still,” knowing that You still sit on the throne.

 

 

 

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Mine.

“I think God wants to make me pure gold, so He is burning out the dross, teaching me the meaning of the fire, the burnt offering, the death of the self-part of me.”
― Amy Carmichael

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The question that keeps coming, the one after, “How are you?”
The one that shakes my roots when I thought I was standing…
The one I often take back to You.

Of course, the giants who walked before me, on whose shoulders I climb, were right: When You don’t give answers, You give Yourself.

And Your reminders to me:

“Blessed are the single-hearted, for they shall enjoy much peace. If you refuse to be hurried and pressed, if you stay your soul on God, nothing can keep you from that clearness of spirit which is life and peace. In that stillness, you will know what His will is…

The best training is to learn to accept everything as it comes, as from Him whom our soul loves. The tests are always unexpected things, not great things that can be written up, but the common little rubs of life, silly little nothings, things you are ashamed of minding one scrap” ― Amy Carmichael

And in this season, Your answer has been who You are, and who I am before You.

Thank You that You continue to deepen my roots, that when the fruits do come, they may have Your sweetness.

I have seen you in the thick of it
When all of your walls come crashing down
I have known you in your worst regrets
When everything broke is breaking out
Oh, if you’d only, finally, hear me when I say
You are mine oh you are mine
I will always be beside you through the darkest of nights
You are my child, so open your eyes
Lay down your armor, surrender the fight
And oh, my child, you are mine
There are days ahead so troubling
But I will never leave your side
(Still learning to hear you, and to listen)

Let.

“In the valley of my mind
On the road of the unknown
When the shadows of my doubts are closing in
You are the light that brings me home

I don’t understand but I can feel it
Every waking moment in Your presence
This peace won’t let me go
There is freedom In laying all my worries at Your feet again
Even in my struggle I’m surrendering
Your peace won’t let me go.

 

Always a struggle to find the right words to say… At the right time.
Years later, I realized what it was.
It was the sense of being let down.
The dashing… of hope.
And yet, even so, You are here.
And even that, was for my good.

And You will never let me down.
Never let me go.
Nothing can separate me from that eternal love in You.
Will You grant me freedom through the security of Your love?
With Your peace, that will not let me go?

Waiting Differently

“For because you did not do it the first time, the Lord our God broke out against us, because we did not consult Him about the proper order.” (1 Chronicles 15:13)

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Let me learn from Your ways.
For mine were wrong, and You — in love and truth — gave correction.
Rid me of stubborn rebellion and foolish self- will, that I may not err this way yet another time.

Secure me in Who You are.
To know that You are good and loving (not cruel),
that You are working (not lax),
that You are purposeful (and life has meaning because of You).

Teach me to see with the eyes of faith.
That I may learn to hear You above all.
That I may walk with You.
That I may choose — yet not I, but You.
That I may do and gain that which You have purposed for me.

 

“I’ve been here so long that my faith is getting weak
So I just have to believe
Maybe You’re speaking through the silence
Maybe it’s all I need to hear
Give me the patience if it’s quiet
I need to rest here
And be okay to wait

 

When did I start not believing that You are who you promised You’ll be
Faithful to finish what you said You would do

 

Although right now I can’t hear you speaking
I will choose to believe
Maybe You’re speaking through the silence
Maybe it’s all I need to hear
Give me the patience
If it’s quiet
I need to rest here
And wait For You
as long as it takes

 

Against All Hope.

“What do you look forward to this year,” they asked.
Minutes later, I’m still silent.
I couldn’t think of anything…

silent discipline

That is, I couldn’t think of anything that could sum up everything that I do hope for, in the timeframe that they hoped I would answer.

And today, You asked me who I think You are.
In the quietness of my room, before You alone.
“Who Am I to you?”

Of the many answers, one is Hope.

Against all hope, the Hope Whom I believe.

In Your graceful and wise silence, in Your thunderous majesty, in the painful but clear answers… You are grace and truth.

In the midst of pain, of misunderstandings, of crushed hope, of uncertainties… In the chaos and deafening silence, in secrets revealed, You are my anchor, my stronghold, my foundation, my strength, my comforter.

And now, Father.
Only You know when the other shoe will drop.
And when it drops…
When that hits the ground and the cascade of effects ensue…
And what was asleep looks viable once more…

Father, then be my Guide, my Shepherd, my Defender, my Peace.
(Praying, “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.” (Matthew 6:13).)

If I should be asked again, I think my answer is this, ‘You are my Hope. And I yearn for a closer walk with You, to know You more through experience, to be more like You.

And on this road, not to be the voice who condemns out of frustration, but who points others to You. That if I should help, then they should remember not me, but You.’

 

I just look forward to more of You.

From heaven’s height to manger low
There is no distance the Prince of Peace won’t go
From manger low to Calvary’s hill
When your pain runs deep
His love runs deeper still
He has always loved you, child
And He always will
Somewhere in your silent night
Heaven hears the song your broken heart has cried
Hope is here, just lift your head
For love has come to find you
Somewhere in your silent night
…Lift your head
Lift your heart
Emmanuel will meet you where you are
He knows your hurt
He knows your name
And you’re the very reason that He came