L’Chaim (To life)

I asked her why it seems to come so easy for some, while others fight tooth-and-nail, but to no avail.

She told me all was not as it seems.

Often, unbeknownst to us, behind those smiles have been many tears. And behind the day of celebration have been days (and months… and years) of sorrow.

With age, I find more truth to her words:
Of Loss.
Of flickering lives… (one more today…)
Do I gravitate towards those stories, or have You sent them to me?

On earth, joy is often laced with sorrow…

Knowing this, that moments of pure joy are so fragile… maybe it is worth celebrating.

Maybe it’s possible to be joyful for someone else’s joy, though sorrowing that you’ve not know such joys as your own.

And maybe there, I’ll find that Your portion is perfect, that Your way is best, that You are good, always.

Seven days…
And we’ll know more…
And our story will continue.

If a thousand years are but a day in Your sight (2 Peter 3:8), then a lifetime is but a flicker.
And all hopes and sorrows here are but a moment.

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom… (Psalm 90:12)
And Lord, teach me your joy and peace.

Open ended.

What would I ask, if we had an afternoon…
And if you promised to answer everything honestly.

I’d ask about periods of time and the thought process.
The pre- and post- decisions… (Was it in-the-moment, or with deliberation?)

I would ask about summer. I would ask your interpretation of words and letter.

I would ask about secrets.
Of what seemed like passion and coldness, and the ebb and flow…
And when it all washed away.

I would take all your words and weigh them.
In an attempt to determine… was it me, or you? (For fault? For trying? For… what exactly? Maybe I would ask for your thoughts here…)

Or if it was all a misinterpretation.
Yet what can we offer now, but apologies.

And forgiveness.

So if that afternoon never comes, and the questions remain forever
Open-ended

Perhaps we’ll walk straight on to forgiveness…
I think that’s where the questions were leading all along…

The Answer.

We’ve been planning and backup planning.
The who’s and how’s and clothing, decoration and food occupy my mind.

Tonight, I realized many of plans (and troubles) were only possible because we have the funds to do so… And so we had turned our blessings into woes with our desires and plans.

And our Heavenly Father knew.
For tonight, He said this:

“… Don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” — Matthew 6:31-33


Lord, You know the plans, procedures, and expectations.
Will You lead us in each choice and decision, that Your presence may be known by us and seen by all.
May You calm and comfort, may we choose not for cost and for our own glory or to glorify any other but You.

In Jesus’ name I pray,
Amen

The best is yet to be…

The snow had covered the paths — we made our own path.
We came along a snow-covered garden. A neat wooden trellis fenced by a hedge.
In it, there was a sundial with the inscription below.

I learned about this poem afterwards:

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in His hand
Who saith “A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!”

Not that, amassing flowers,
Youth sighed “Which rose make ours,
Which lily leave and then as best recall?”
Not that, admiring stars,
It yearned “Nor Jove, nor Mars;
Mine be some figured flame which blends, transcends them all!”

Not for such hopes and fears
Annulling youth’s brief years,
Do I remonstrate: folly wide the mark!
Rather I prize the doubt
Low kinds exist without,
Finished and finite clods, untroubled by a spark.

Poor vaunt of life indeed,
Were man but formed to feed
On joy, to solely seek and find and feast:
Such feasting ended, then
As sure an end to men;
Irks care the crop-full bird? Frets doubt the maw-crammed beast?

Rejoice we are allied
To That which doth provide
And not partake, effect and not receive!
A spark disturbs our clod;
Nearer we hold of God
Who gives, than of His tribes that take, I must believe.

Then, welcome each rebuff
That turns earth’s smoothness rough,
Each sting that bids nor sit nor stand but go!
Be our joys three-parts pain!
Strive, and hold cheap the strain;
Learn, nor account the pang; dare, never grudge the throe!

For thence,—a paradox
Which comforts while it mocks,—
Shall life succeed in that it seems to fail:
What I aspired to be,
And was not, comforts me:
A brute I might have been, but would not sink i’ the scale.

What is he but a brute
Whose flesh has soul to suit,
Whose spirit works lest arms and legs want play?
To man, propose this test—
Thy body at its best,
How far can that project thy soul on its lone way?

Yet gifts should prove their use:
I own the Past profuse
Of power each side, perfection every turn:
Eyes, ears took in their dole,
Brain treasured up the whole;
Should not the heart beat once “How good to live and learn?”

Not once beat “Praise be Thine!
I see the whole design,
I, who saw power, see now love perfect too:
Perfect I call Thy plan:
Thanks that I was a man!
   Maker, remake, complete,—I trust what Thou shalt do!”

For pleasant is this flesh;
Our soul, in its rose-mesh
Pulled ever to the earth, still yearns for rest;
Would we some prize might hold
To match those manifold
Possessions of the brute,—gain most, as we did best!

Let us not always say,
“Spite of this flesh to-day
I strove, made head, gained ground upon the whole!”
As the bird wings and sings,
Let us cry “All good things
Are ours, nor soul helps flesh more, now, than flesh helps soul!”

Therefore I summon age
To grant youth’s heritage,
Life’s struggle having so far reached its term:
Thence shall I pass, approved
A man, for aye removed
From the developed brute; a god though in the germ.

And I shall thereupon
Take rest, ere I be gone
Once more on my adventure brave and new:
Fearless and unperplexed,
When I wage battle next,
What weapons to select, what armour to indue.

Youth ended, I shall try
My gain or loss thereby;
Leave the fire ashes, what survives is gold:
And I shall weigh the same,
Give life its praise or blame:
Young, all lay in dispute; I shall know, being old.

For note, when evening shuts,
A certain moment cuts
The deed off, calls the glory from the grey:
A whisper from the west
Shoots—”Add this to the rest,
Take it and try its worth: here dies another day.”

So, still within this life,
Though lifted o’er its strife,
Let me discern, compare, pronounce at last,
This rage was right i’ the main,
That acquiescence vain:
The Future I may face now I have proved the Past.”

For more is not reserved
To man, with soul just nerved
To act to-morrow what he learns to-day:
Here, work enough to watch
The Master work, and catch
Hints of the proper craft, tricks of the tool’s true play.

As it was better, youth
Should strive, through acts uncouth,
Toward making, than repose on aught found made:
So, better, age, exempt
From strife, should know, than tempt
Further. Thou waitedst age: wait death nor be afraid!

Enough now, if the Right
And Good and Infinite
Be named here, as thou callest thy hand thine own
With knowledge absolute,
Subject to no dispute
From fools that crowded youth, nor let thee feel alone.

Be there, for once and all,
Severed great minds from small,
Announced to each his station in the Past!
Was I, the world arraigned,
Were they, my soul disdained,
Right? Let age speak the truth and give us peace at last!

Now, who shall arbitrate?
Ten men love what I hate,
Shun what I follow, slight what I receive;
Ten, who in ears and eyes
Match me: we all surmise,
They this thing, and I that: whom shall my soul believe?

Not on the vulgar mass
Called “work,” must sentence pass,
Things done, that took the eye and had the price;
O’er which, from level stand,
The low world laid its hand,
Found straightway to its mind, could value in a trice:

But all, the world’s coarse thumb
And finger failed to plumb,
So passed in making up the main account;
All instincts immature,
All purposes unsure,
That weighed not as his work, yet swelled the man’s amount:

Thoughts hardly to be packed
Into a narrow act,
Fancies that broke through language and escaped;
All I could never be,
All, men ignored in me,
This, I was worth to God, whose wheel the pitcher shaped.

Ay, note that Potter’s wheel,
That metaphor! and feel
Why time spins fast, why passive lies our clay,—
Thou, to whom fools propound,
When the wine makes its round,
“Since life fleets, all is change; the Past gone, seize to-day!”

Fool! All that is, at all,
Lasts ever, past recall;
Earth changes, but thy soul and God stand sure:
What entered into thee,
That was, is, and shall be:
Time’s wheel runs back or stops: Potter and clay endure.

He fixed thee mid this dance
Of plastic circumstance,
This Present, thou, forsooth, wouldst fain arrest:
Machinery just meant
To give thy soul its bent,
Try thee and turn thee forth, sufficiently impressed.

What though the earlier grooves,
Which ran the laughing loves
Around thy base, no longer pause and press?
What though, about thy rim,
Skull-things in order grim
Grow out, in graver mood, obey the sterner stress?

Look not thou down but up!
To uses of a cup,
The festal board, lamp’s flash and trumpet’s peal,
The new wine’s foaming flow,
The Master’s lips a-glow!
Thou, heaven’s consummate cup, what need’st thou with earth’s wheel?

But I need, now as then,
Thee, God, who mouldest men;
And since, not even while the whirl was worst,
Did I,—to the wheel of life
With shapes and colours rife,
Bound dizzily,—mistake my end, to slake Thy thirst:

So, take and use Thy work:
Amend what flaws may lurk,
What strain o’ the stuff, what warpings past the aim!
My times be in Thy hand!
Perfect the cup as planned!
Let age approve of youth, and death complete the same!

— ‘Rabbi Ben Ezra’ – R. Browning

Whether I Succeed or Fail.

Blessed Spirit of God,

Four evils attend my ministry —
      The devil treads me down by discouragement and shame
    arising from coldness in private meditation.
Carelessness possesses me
  from natural dullness and dimness of spirit;
    because in the past I have met with success
      and been highly regarded,
    so that it does not matter if I have now failed.
Infirmities and weakness are mine
  from want of spiritual light, life and power,
    so that souls have not been helped,
      and I have not felt thee to be near.
Lack of success has followed even when I have done my best.

But thou hast shown me that the glory of everything
  that is sanctified to do good
    is not seen in itself,

    but in the source of its sanctification.
Thus my end in preaching is to know Christ,
    and impart his truth;

  my principle in preaching is Christ himself,
    whom I trust,

  for in him is fullness of spirit and strength;
  my comfort in preaching is to do all for him.


Help me in my work to grow more humble,
  to pick something out of all providences
    to that end,
  to joy in thee and loathe myself,
  to keep my life, being, soul, and body
    only for thee,
  to carry my heart to thee in love and delight,
  to see all my grace in thee, coming from thee,
  to walk with thee in endearment.

Then, whether I succeed or fail,
    nought matters but thee alone.

— A Minister’s Evils, Valley of Vision

Therefore Choose Life

I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live — Deuteronomy 30:19

The conversation was about food.
But it turned into the matter of the heart and the head (I believed change happened in the heart; she said it was the head – guide by logic, not emotion).

Logic. Laws. Hundreds of them — 600+ of them.
Why asparagus and red cabbage were off the table.
The difference between milk and almond beverages.

The history of our nation – master builders, builders, and us.
How he fought with Him, anger for the millions of death in his lifetime.
How they all left Him.

How she did her own search and found the way of her people.

On forgiveness, she would not be forgiven.
It cannot be, she said. How can we not have to pay?
No, but our lives do not finish; we come back to redo lifetimes of wrong, she said.

And the way out?
She called Him dead.
And I call Him life.

And the law, indeed, led to death…
Remembering M, and praying she finds Life.

Teach.

Here's a Reason to Get a Puppy: Kids With Pets Have Less Anxiety

“… Let us not live uncertain of what we are,
  of where we are going.

Bear witness with our spirit that we are thy children;
And enable each one to say, ‘I know my Redeemer.’
Bless us with a growing sense of this salvation.
If already enlightened in Christ, may we see
    greater things;


If quickened, may we have more abundant life;
If renewed, let us go on from strength to strength.
Give us closer abiding in Jesus
  that we may bring forth more fruit,
    have a deeper sense of our obligations to him,
  that we may surrender all,
    have a fuller joy,
  that we may serve him more completely.
And may our faith work by love
  towards him who died,
  towards our fellow-believers,
  towards our fellow-men.”
— Valley of Vision, The Teacher

Sometimes you put something sharp in your bag, meaning to take it out later. And you forget it was there.
And time passes, and you go and reach for something else, and it cuts again.

Six years. A joy like a young boy, proudly beaming over his favorite gift and accomplishment.
And there was my answer.

The continuous need for grace and forgiveness toward our fellow man.
When it is hard, it helps to remember God’s sovereign hand over all that has passed, that ‘…but God meant it for good‘ (Genesis 50:20).
My Heavenly Father still teaches me today.

The Days Ahead.

When the time arrives, and He lifts His hand from discipline.
When His hand holds out that long-desired gift – now for you to take.
And you take it.

What happens next?

When novelty becomes routine, and you look back, starting to miss the days before this, not sure how ‘ever after’ goes.

What happens then?
How I’m prone to take His gifts for granted!


“…When thy blessings come I begin to idolize them,
and set my affection on some beloved object — children, friends, wealth, honour;
Cleanse this spiritual adultery and give me chastity;
close my heart to all but thee.

Sin is my greatest curse;
Let thy victory be apparent to my consciousness, and displayed in my life.
Help me to be always devoted, confident, obedient, resigned, childlike in my trust of thee,
to love thee with soul, body, mind, strength,
to love my fellow-man as I love myself,
to be saved from unregenerate temper, hard thoughts, slanderous words, meanness, unkind manners,
to master my tongue and keep the door of my lips.
Fill me with grace daily, that my life be a fountain of sweet water.”

— ‘A Cry For Deliverance,’ The Valley of Vision

Days to Come

“It must be tiring
Bracing yourself for everything
Why don’t you come and laugh with me
Laugh at the days to come

What if I told you that you’re standing
On a rock when it’s raining

You have a friend in the fire
And a vision in the valley…”

Lord, that You would use Your gift to mold me into Your beloved in Proverbs 31:
“Strength and honor are her clothing, and she can laugh at the days to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue…Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

– Proverbs 31:25-26, 30

Two more years.

When all the questions are asked and answered.
The words which hurt and those which heal, all in one.
And we go our ways and wait for news.

Water and Time.

He was left in that place for two years, that he would know it was not his skill that lifted him, but the One who was with him.

And if You choose for me to learn the same, would I let the years lead to bitterness of things denied or the sweetness of knowing it was from You?

Lord, would You lead me to the latter?

O LORD…
Quieten our souls to call upon thy name; Detach us from the influence of the flesh and the senses…

Bring us into that state which attracts thine eye, and prepare us to receive the proofs of thy love.

Show us our danger, that we may fly to thee for refuge.
Make us sensible of our sin’s disease, that we may value the good Physician.

Placard to us the cross, that it may slay the enmity of our hearts.
Help us to be watchful over our ways, jealous over our tempers, diligent over our hearts.
When we droop, revive us, When we loiter, quicken us, When we go astray, restore us.
Possess us with more of that faith which is the principle of all vital godliness…

May we
        be rich in faith,
        be strong in faith,
        live by faith,
        walk by faith,
        experience the joy of faith,
        do the work of faith,
        hope through faith.”

banneroftruth.org/us/devotional/fifth-day-evening-protection

I know it’s not easy, not saying it’s fair
But close as a prayer somebody cares
You’re a treasure, I hope you know you’re treasured
So hold your head high, wait for the dawn
Keep hanging on, your sadness will turn into laughter
Watch it turn into laughter…

Oh, let the water spill from your eyes
All that you are, all that you’ll be
Someone put the beat in your heart so that you’ll see
You matter